I Am My Now


More often than not, the easiest thing to do is dwell upon the past, focusing on all of the individual experiences that have helped to shape us into the person we are today. While it is true that each step along the path of our lives has led us to the present, we must separate our journey from our individual selves. We are not our pasts. We are who we have become as a result of our experiences, yet we need to recognize that we no longer live in the past; instead, we live because of the past. While we are where we are today because of the path we took to get here, we are not doomed to any particular conclusion. Each day is a new choice to walk the path in our own unique way, to a destination of our own making.

As I reflect on my own journey, I am now aware of my power to clearly see things from this perspective. I am able to change the small voices inside my head, the ones that once told me that the tolerance of undesirable conditions meant that I was strong. No, what makes me strong is my ability to stand up and say “I won’t tolerate these conditions any longer!” Yes, I have learned that this is my life, which means I must act like it and take my destiny into my own hands. I cannot wait for things to work out independent of my own efforts. Waiting for things to “work out” on their own is like rolling two die over and over again, hoping for two sixes that may never come. The act of continually throwing the die can become powerfully addicting, believing there is always a chance, however small that might be, that our numbers will finally come up. Unlike the roll of the die, life is not a game of chance. The outcomes of our lives are the product of the decisions we make today, in the here and now. Sure, it can be fun to dream, to have hope and even faith, but those alone will not lead us to the life we have imagined.

It is a matter of control. Once, I surrendered control over my own mind, and my own outcomes, to a very small group of individuals who thought they knew, or at least they told me they knew, what was best for me. I didn’t have to worry about the future. Do the work, they said, and it will all work out. I believed them, for a time. When I no longer believed them, I suddenly had no mind of my own. Outside of the Jehovah’s Witnesses, I initially experienced a significant “power vacuum.” Without someone, or something, telling me how to live my life, I went on a quest in search of my own mind, in search of control over my outcomes. It took me many years to acquire and then utilize this power.

As I stand here today, I know now that there is no law of numbers when it comes to my own life. I am in full control over the outcomes. I will roll a twelve if I see fit to do so. The decisions I make today, in this moment, and in every moment that follows, will decide my fate and my future. My mind is under no one’s control other than my own. Whatever happened in my past, whatever power and control I once gave up, no longer matters.

I am not my past. I am my now.

This Should be a Disfellowshipping Offense

pexels-photo-925349.jpegIf we take a close look at the various reasons why one can be disfellowshipped from the Jehovah’s Witnesses, we find a long list of offenses, some which can find no direct connection to scriptural direction (such as smoking and the use of foul language). However, what has puzzled me for a long time is the issue of a parent, or parents, who fail to properly provide for their family. My parents divorced when I was very young, and my mother left the Witnesses at about the same time, (see my prior story “Conditional Love” for more on that). In the years after, my father encountered great difficulty in being able to care for his family. He was out of work on multiple occasions, at times receiving food stamps and Welfare payments to make ends meet. He soon married another woman within months of the finalization of his divorce from my mother, and they proceeded to have three more children together in fairly rapid succession. This posed a problem for my mother, who still had to care for my sister and me.

My mother had several issues of her own which made it difficult for her to work, but it certainly never helped that my father paid little or no child support after he married his second wife and they began having children. His new wife never worked, and with each new child of theirs that came into the world, that made the likelihood of that even more remote. My father was extremely critical of my mother while I was growing up, but never once did he apologize for failing to properly care for me and my sister. Not only did he not provide child support for most of my young life, but I never recall him purchasing clothes or shoes for us either, and he certainly never helped with school supplies. I am extremely grateful for the financial support that my mother’s parents provided along the way to help make ends meet.

I believe 1 Timothy 5:8 (English Standard Version) states that “if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” If you take the bible as your guidebook, that seems crystal clear to me. Was my father ever counseled with regard to the biblical direction on caring for his family? I really don’t know. He occasionally held positions in the congregations, such as Ministerial Servant and Elder, so I am guessing he wasn’t.

I’m certainly angry with my father on several levels, but this issue burns me the most. He remains in good standing with his congregation while I exist on the outside. I’m happy with my place, believe me, but I do not think for one moment that what he’s NOT done is not worse than anything I have done. It’s just one of the many reasons I believe I’m in the right place.

The Jehovah Witness Graduate

pexels-photo-267885.jpegThere was a lot happening in my life just prior to my seventeenth birthday. First and foremost was my upcoming baptism at the circuit assembly. I had originally planned to get baptized in February of that year but my stepmother thought it best that I delve deeper into my bible studies, to make sure this was what I really wanted to commit to. Looking back now with years of hindsight, I believe she saw what I could not at the time.

The other big event, which of course was secondary to my baptism, was the occasion of my high school graduation. I had moved in with my father just prior to the start of 11th grade, and by late fall, was already jamming as many classes together as possible so that I could graduate the following spring, a full year earlier than expected. My intention was to begin the regular pioneer work immediately after graduation, which at the time meant 90 hours per month of field service. My guidance counselor was confused and concerned by not just my decision to graduate early, but also by my plan to forego a college education right after high school. When I told him about my aspiration to be a full-time preacher and ultimately make my way toward the goal of service at the World Headquarters of Jehovah’s Witness, at Bethel, he did everything he could to convince me otherwise. My first quarter grades were among the highest in my class. From his perspective, I was “throwing away” a tremendous opportunity and a brilliant mind.

Despite the objections of my guidance counselor, I worked extra hard and earned the right to graduate early. I didn’t think anything of it when I came home and presented the graduation package to my father and stepmother, so as to gain the payment necessary for the rental of the cap and gown. I was completely taken back by my stepmother’s strong position on the matter.

“Oh no, you’re not going to graduation!” she bellowed. She took the forms out of my hand and tossed them onto the table. I felt hot, I felt boiling water welling up inside me, the whistle blowing. Who was she to say I couldn’t graduate! Didn’t she? I didn’t ask, didn’t know, and didn’t think of any this in the moment. All I could bear was the heaviness of realizing I would not walk across that stage, would not be handed a diploma, and out of more than a hundred teenagers, would be the only one not receiving my diploma in front of peers, parents, friends and families.

She informed me that attending a graduation ceremony is a worldly celebration. She said we don’t celebrate our own personal achievements, that we don’t celebrate anything except our service to Jehovah. I had become a straight-A student for the first time in years. I was more dedicated to my studies than most in my class. Let me call upon Jehovah, I thought to myself. Surely he would agree there was nothing wrong with me walking across that stage. But no, it wasn’t to be. I did not cross that stage. I picked up my diploma from the high school about a week after graduation.

In the end, I was able to cross a total of three stages. I earned my associate’s degree at 26, my bachelor’s degree at 32 (with special distinction), and finally my master’s in business degree at 40. Free from the burden of the past, I was able to erase the negative memory I held for so long. If you’ve delayed your education for any reason, it is not too late. You can cross that stage too.

Life Uncensored

sunset-summer-golden-hour-paul-filitchkin.jpgI realize that not all I’ve written is about celebrating my life in the moment, and may at times drift toward a tendency to rehash old stories and experiences. Today, I want to share what I am most grateful for, which is the ability to live a life uncensored! I am beholden to no one! No one can tell me what to believe, why to believe or how to believe anything. Whether I believe in God or not is my own business.

When I write about living life uncensored, I don’t mean I’m walking around naked or going about shouting obscenities at random strangers. I don’t live my life in a way that ever causes harm to anyone. In fact, I’m most comfortable giving to others, whether that be giving blood or working in a soup kitchen for the homeless, something one of Jehovah’s Witnesses would not and could not ever do. My life is uncensored in that I don’t need anyone’s “literature” to help me gain a better understanding of God, and I don’t need to be guided or directed by other men and women. I certainly don’t need to be chastised for falling out of line with anyone’s directives. That’s not freedom.

I don’t believe in a God who manipulates of outcomes or that our lives are “predestined” (a most depressing and hopeless thought indeed). My life is what I make it, my “luck” comes from being prepared for every opportunity that comes my way. While I may at times have prayed silently or out loud for God to guide me, or to help me find peace during a very difficult period, I’ve never asked to be “fixed” or have asked God to “jump in” and take care of anything directly. If there was a God who was always pulling the strings we’d all be nothing more than a captive puppet, a victim of circumstances, weak and fearful of the unknown. I pride myself on the free will and free mind that I have too much to ask someone to do for me what I should be doing myself.

With living a life uncensored comes responsibility and accountability. I am answerable to myself for my actions. If my life isn’t working out the way I’d like it, well, that’s on me to find a way to right the situation. I will not wait on God or any other supreme being to come in and make me a better person. That’s my job.


The Decision

pexels-photo-277615.jpegWhen I explain to others that I no longer speak with my father or several siblings due to my decision to no longer follow the teachings of Jehovah’s Witnesses, I am met with puzzled looks and mouths that don’t know how to respond. Most everyone I know believes that their religious convictions, or lack thereof, is a personal choice.They just do not get what the “big deal” is with regard to what happened when I decided to no longer be one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. “What?” they ask; “Your father doesn’t speak with you because you don’t go to his church anymore?” That doesn’t make any sense, they say. Who would stop speaking with their own children over a religion? If you’ve not been associated with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, some Orthodox Jews, the Amish, etc., then you may not understand this practice at all, but for those of us who have, it is known as “shunning.”

I was already somewhat familiar with the term by the time I was eight. My mother, a practicing JW for just about six years, was the first person I can ever recall being disfellowshipped. I came to understand her place in odd circumstances, such as the night she needed our only car, which also happened to be meeting night.  To make it all work, she took my father, sister and I to the Hall, but first we had to stop and pick up good old sister Smith, as we always did, along the way. Sister Smith was real quiet. I’d never known her to remain so silent. The typical conversations between the adults in the car were a thing of the past. When I asked my father later why no one said anything in the car, he told me. He explained to me in the best way he could that my mother was no longer in Jehovah’s favor (as if he knew who was and was not in Jehovah’s favor!) and therefore the brothers and sisters in the congregation were no longer allowed to speak with her.

Years later, after I’d decided to make “the truth” my own, I typically knew who was getting disfellowshipped before the congregation at large found out. I was either helping to “catch” the wrongdoer in the act of sinning, or was close enough to the elders and ministerial servants to know what was going on behind the scenes. Once the announcement was made, a few of us would gather together to talk about the newly disfellowshipped person. “Tsk, tsk,” we’d remark, “I always knew there was something not right about him,” or “I knew it was only a matter of time before Jehovah brought his sins to light….” Then we would glance toward the back of the hall (the last row of shame), where we’d find the disfellowshipped person. They would usually get into the hall just as the song was starting, and sometimes leave before the final prayer, just to avoid walking by someone in awkward silence.

When the time came for me to go, I swore there was no way I was going to be made a spectacle before the congregation. I debated for the better part of a year about leaving. I knew once I had made my decision, there would be no turning back, no sitting in the back, no aim for “reinstatement.” Conveniently, I was relocated just before I left. Once my move was complete, I wrote a letter to one of the elders and explained what “sins” I had been committing, further indicating that I was not repentant and would not be appealing the decision. I wanted it over as quickly as possible. I didn’t even let my own father know what was happening. He found out once the elder told him, but that’s another story.

I can still recall all these years later the last time I stepped foot in a Kingdom Hall; like an object frozen in time, I still have my New World Translation that I received at the District Convention in 1985, complete with a miniature sized version of the Theocratic Ministry School schedule from 1987, including the date on which I was officially disfellowshipped. My heart was broken when I left, along with the hearts of many others. A connection had been severed with not just my immediate family, but the hundreds of “friends” I had made over a span of five years. In an instant, I was cut off from everyone, completely separated, not even twenty one years old, feeling completely alone in the world. I was scared, petrified and momentarily lost. It took me a long time to regain my footing. I’m grateful that those who are leaving or are thinking of leaving have the multitude of online resources available today. If you are or have ever been a Jehovah’s Witness, then you know the decision to leave is probably the most difficult decision you will ever make in your life. If you haven’t yet made a decision to formally join, think carefully before you do, as there is no such thing as a graceful exit.




Why Do Some JWs Live A Lie?

pexels-photo-48566.jpegIn the month since I launched this blog, I have become amazed at the amount of people on Jehovah’s Witness boards and blogs who currently consider themselves to be Jehovah’s Witnesses yet either do not agree with the teachings or live in accordance with the directives or organization leadership. This could be understandable if we were considering the Roman Catholic Church, where not every member agrees with the church’s stand on abortion, or the United Methodist Church, where not every congregant agrees with that church’s stand on gay marriage. But the Watchtower organization tolerates no dissension or disagreement whatsoever. To be considered as an active Jehovah’s Witness in good standing, you must agree that only the Governing Body of Jehovah’s Witnesses has the one, true and accurate understanding and interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. This means that as a good Jehovah’s Witness, you share in the beliefs that blood transfusions are forbidden, even if it means losing one’s life, and that you agree that you must cut off and completely shun anyone who leaves the organization for whatever reason, not even answering the phone if your ex-JW family member tries to contact you. These are just two examples of some major points of differentiation between the JWs and many of the world’s religions.

The demands on a Jehovah’s Witness are high. They must spend a certain amount of time going door-to-door. They must attend, and prepare for, two meetings a week. They must abstain from joining in holiday and birthday celebrations with co-workers and fellow students. They must abstain from voting and even discussing politics. The pressure to be different, act different, and think different is great, and not everyone can handle it. The temptations in the “world” overcome more than a few, as they seek out alcohol, drugs or even illicit sex as a means of relieving the pressure. As a Witness, I saw many brothers and sisters buckle and succumb to these “worldly” desires.

In my long adult life, I’ve come to realize that I have seen less “breakdowns” among the so-called worldly people than among the Jehovah’s Witnesses during my time as an active member. I’ve been in the same small community for 15 years now and know many, many individuals and families. I know of not one that committed adultery. I can count on one hand the people I’ve known with a drug or alcohol problem (all recovered). However, these were things I saw on a somewhat regular basis as a Witness, and I watched more than a few work hard to evade being “caught in the act” of doing something wrong. The rumor mill swirled briskly after the announcement of one’s disfellowshipping, as we would gleefully spread the word on the offense, occasionally taking great delight in the situation if it was a brother or sister who seemed to have it all. Someone in my family even suffered abuse at the hands of a child molester (who was an active Witness) while not yet a teenager, and this was my only experience in my life with this kind of horrific act.

So I’ve asked myself on many occasions, why does it seem like the very things the Witnesses are on guard against seem to happen more frequently within the walls of the Kingdom Hall than without? Why do so many Jehovah’s Witnesses live a lie? When I was a Witness, the often heard refrain was that these issues were cropping up due to the “sinful” and “imperfect” nature of the self. Wait for the “New System,” I was told, and these issues would disappear. I believe the matter is more complicated than that. While I’m sure there is research on this topic that I haven’t come across yet, I do believe that for many Jehovah’s Witnesses, God’s word is not “written in their hearts” (Romans 2:15). I’ve spoken with family members and others associated with the Witnesses, who when caught engaging in acts that would not be approved by the organization, would beg me not to tell their parents or the elders. If God’s word was truly “written in their hearts” they would have more to fear than parents and elders; they would fear disappointing the great being who represents the first word in the name “Jehovah’s Witness.”



No Part of This World

sky-earth-galaxy-universe.jpgWhen I was much younger, my father would frequently apologize for his abusive episodes, telling me that he was imperfect, and waiting for the day when Jehovah would “make him better.” My stepmother similarly had many flaws of her own, as do many of us, but again, she was looking forward to a time in the future, when Jehovah would “make her right,” into a perfect, blemish-free individual. There was no obligation on their part to really work that hard at being better parents, spouses or overall individuals. No need to try to be the “best version” of themselves, as so many of us are striving toward day in and day out.

This individual, and somewhat collective perspective, keeps loyal Jehovah’s Witnesses from being active in politics, voting, and engaging in civic-minded activities like feeding the homeless (and let’s not mention refusing to give blood; oh wait, I just did). They reason that “someday” Jehovah will cleanse the earth of all wickedness, and miraculously convert the earth into a paradise earth for all Jehovah’s Witnesses to enjoy exclusively (although more than a few of us have been left to speculate what is going to be done to quickly rid the earth of the seven billion “wicked ones” now walking the earth). Holding to the view that it is the responsibility of someone else, namely Jehovah’s, to fix all of the world’s ills, is awfully liberating. Wouldn’t it be great to not have to care at all whether Donald Trump or Hillary Clinton win the US presidential election? Then again, I do believe there are many people who are not Jehovah’s Witnesses who don’t care about that either, but I hope you see my point.

Yes, in many ways it is easier to live in the bubble, separate from the world at large, with no skin in the game whatsoever. Foreign troops drop in on the United States and take over? Who cares, Jehovah will fix it eventually. The invaders come and kill our women and children? No problem! They will just wake up in a paradise earth in a flash! If I had a nickel for every time someone told me they just couldn’t wait for “the new system of things,” well, you know the rest. It’s one thing to put faith in God, which I do, it’s another to expect that God will just take care of it all, absolving ourselves of any and all responsibility.

I’m not going to open a dialogue here to try to explain what Jesus meant when he said “I am no part of the world” in John 17:16 (although anyone reading this may feel free to jump in), but I do believe we need to be accountable for our own actions and behaviors. We can’t continue to carelessly ignore the work of progressive personal improvement, expecting God to fix us, like a broken clock.  I don’t like it much either when so-called Christians (non-JW) habitually commit awful acts, then write them off saying it’s okay, “Jesus died for my sins.” I don’t subscribe to this “blank-check” theory whereby we are given a license to not care about our behavior or the world at large. I don’t believe that is what God intended. You may or may not agree with me, and that’s fine. With freedom comes the right to disagree and have dissenting views; but with freedom also comes responsibility, the responsibility to be the best we can be and in the process contribute the best of ourselves to the world around us.